Don't Let Go
by crazy alligator
Summary: I've never seen my life as ratty, and I've never had a pity party about it either.  Despite what I've been through, I've always seen my life as good, just because she was in existence.  RenRuki, oneshot.  1st person Renji's POV, rated T for some swearing.


Ah, yes...I have come to the phase which every RenRuki fanfic writer faces...writing a oneshot about Renji reflecting on his life with Rukia-don't worry though, that's only about the first half(and it's not even that exactly), and the last half is a surprise. This is actually an old unfinished document I found on my computer. Finding it made me remember how much I liked it, so I finished it up today. Some angst, but just read it all the way through, the ending is worth it, I promise. Hope you all enjoy!

Don't Let Go

Many people would pity me if they knew my life story, knew how seemingly shitty my life had been up to this point. These are the kind of people that throw homeless people on the streets money and then give them looks that say they feel sorry for them. They would look at me and be sorry for this stray, ratty dog, and they would silently think that I was a crazy person for living most of my life trying to achieve something that was so impossible, so far away, so distant. I sometimes wanted to laugh at the cruel, bitter irony of it. But I'm not going to explain the metaphor for my situation; it's overused and I think everyone knows it.

Others would hate me. They would loathe me, and wouldn't give a fuck if I dropped dead at any random second. Honestly, I can't blame them. I've made many mistakes in my life, been a douche bag a lot. These people would also hate me for trying to reach that distant goal. They would think that I didn't deserve what I was reaching for after I let it slip through my fingers so easily, and they're also probably right about that. I know I don't deserve it, or, rather, her, but I keep on trying anyways.

The rest, well, they would be the people cheering me on, encouraging me to go for it and keep on every second of every day. Those would be the optimistic people, the people who saw the glass as half full. The ones that told me to never give up, and keep going until I finally made it. They would be the opposite of the people who hate me; they would think that I deserve her because even though I did let her go, I did it out of care, and only wanted the best for her, and that she feels as strongly for me as I feel for her, and they wouldn't think it out of pity, either. I sometimes want to laugh at those people, those people that can't seem to see how hopeless and unreachable my silly little dream is. Either they were oblivious to that fact or they just plain didn't care.

But no matter what anyone thinks of me, I've never seen my life as ratty, and I've never had a pity party about it either. Despite what I've been through, I've always seen my life as good, just because she was in existence. Even when she was far away from me, up in the noble house eating fancy food and living like royalty, I always thought I could eventually reach her, eventually surpass her brother, simply through hard work and resolve. I thought all of this even after that orange-haired punk came into the picture. Sure, to this day I'm jealous of him. When I think about that, about me, a decades old shinigami holding jealousy towards a fifteen year old amateur, it becomes another one of those things I want to laugh bitterly about, just because it's so ironic.

I used to hate that kid, I really did. But now we actually get along well, aside from the occasional fights. But no matter how good we get along, there's always that lingering jealousy I feel under my skin when I see him. But I also know that I should be thanking him too. He reminded what it was to have a string resolve and the will to never give up, but even better, because of him I reconnected with Rukia, and our friendship is now rekindled and going strong, all because of some mortal punk. Under that lingering jealousy is always a lingering gratefulness for that as well. Yet another thing I want to laugh at due to its irony.

But even though we had a newly renewed friendship, Rukia and I had never gotten a chance to really talk everything over. Sure there had been that pep talk I had given her about not trying to go it alone when we were escaping from Sokyoku hill, but that didn't really account for _everything _in my mind. We hadn't yet resolved all that had happened in the past fifty years, nor had we resolved what had happened since then. I made a mental note to try and do that soon; the longer it was put off, the worse it would be. I also thought maybe I should confess when we talked it over. Even though, at this point, I hadn't surpassed the oh-so-noble Captain Kuchiki, I was tired of hiding it, tired of pretending like nothing was there. Even if she rejected me, we would still have our problems resolved, and I knew she wouldn't hold it against me. There would probably be a slight air of awkwardness around us for the rest of eternity if she didn't love me back, but I knew that she wouldn't hate me for it; we had been friends for way too long and it just wasn't in her nature to hate someone for a reason like that.

Then I saw it. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a head of raven hair and a shinigami uniform attached to it. It was her. I wanted to ask why she was here, in the dead of night, but there was something different about the atmosphere around us, and I felt I should keep quiet. I felt like if I said or did anything she would disappear without a trace. So instead of jumping up and saying her name in a surprised way like I would've done any other time, I just sat there, frozen, and looked at her from the side. I didn't even turn my head in her direction.

She looked back at me with those violet eyes of hers and simply stood there, frozen as well with an utterly unreadable expression on her face. It seemed like she was very nervous, like she was having an internal argument with herself about whether to stay and go through with whatever she was planning, or to leave and act like this encounter never happened. This went on for awhile, me looking at her and her looking at me, with the only sound being the crickets chirping outside. Finally, though, the first side of her inner conflict must have won, because she slowly walked over to me. Turning to face me, she just stood there and stared at me some more, but I couldn't see her because my head was down and my hair, which was also down, was blocking my peripheral vision. So I just sat there waiting for her to do something. That moment dragged on for what seemed like an eternity, and I could feel her gaze on me every second. The atmosphere was just like the day we had decided to become shinigami, there was an air of stillness and silence, like the world had stopped, and I remembered that day long ago when we had stood on the cliff, her staring out at hanging dog and me staring at her from behind, waiting for her to do something, say something. Right now felt like then.

Suddenly, I felt a pair of warm arms wrap around my neck and felt my chin resting on her shoulder. She was hugging me. "Arigato," she whispered next to my ear. Even though I didn't know why Rukia's mind worked the way it did, I did know how it worked, and I could tell, with no doubt in my mind, that this was her way of forgiving me for everything, and by everything, I mean everything. The obvious thing, the not talking for years, the jerkiness during her execution, everything. Also, I could tell, she was apologizing for everything at the same time, even though she had nothing to apologize for. And somehow, she was also thanking me, for what I didn't know...she had nothing to thank me for either.

And then I knew...I knew that this accounted for our talk. All that she had communicated to me with that one word...it meant that she accepted everything, wanted to move on from it. She wanted to put the past behind us and go on, be thick as thieves like we had once been, and wanted to us to be in each others lives without any regrets, letting the past alone to drift away in the wind with all of the pain. What was done was done, and we couldn't change that. And then I realized that she had wanted this for as long as I had. Wanted to clear it up, that is. I really am an idiot. We had both wanted the same thing, to move on, and we had both waited for the other to make a move, to go to each other and do just that. But neither of us had, for fifty long years...until tonight that was. I guess she was just tired of waiting, so she had come to do it herself. Just like me, she was tired of pretending that we didn't have unresolved problems to fix, tired of going on day in and day out and knowing whether someone you care for still cares for you as much as they once did. And suddenly, I felt regret was over me, and I was remorseful down to my very core that I hadn't done this sooner.

Her arms were tight around my neck, tense as she waited for my response, waited for me to push her away and look at her with hate and disgust, or to return the embrace with acceptance of her wishes. Of course, I would never choose the first option. Slowly raising my arm up, I set it lightly across her small shoulders, resting my hand on the shoulder opposite the one that my elbow was on, and squeezed reassuringly. It blew me away, the fact that my forearm alone stretched the whole width of her shoulders, if not more...god, she was so tiny. Her arms instantly relaxed at that, and even though I wasn't sure, I thought she was crying silently, because I could feel tears start to trickle onto my clothed back from her face.

Then she said three words that made me almost jump for a minute. Was she...serious? She crawled up further, setting herself on my lap and snuggling in comfortably. My mind was still trying to process what she had just said to me. The statement had been hard to decipher, for she had whispered it so softly, so lightly...but there was no mistaking what she had just said. It took a minute for me to assure myself that this was real, was really going on, and that it wasn't a dream, a sick dream that would twist and manipulate me into thinking that this had really happened, and then have for me to open my eyes in my bed the next morning to discover that it had just been my cruel, evil mind trying to cause me more heartbreak, more pain and anger. So I waited...I waited for the ground which I was staring at to dissolve into nothingness as I awoke, for the warmth of her small body against mine to disappear, and for my joyful emotions of her confession to turn to bitterness and unbearable heartbreak. But none of that happened. The floor didn't alter, didn't change; it stayed just the same, flat and still. She didn't leave either, didn't move a single inch. She just stayed there...frozen against me.

And then...then was when I came to the full realization that this was real. I don't think I really believed myself at first, but all the facts added up. And when my heart, the part of me that was most afraid of losing this, came around as well...I really don't know what happened then. I just...snapped, in a way.

I threw my other arm around her, pulling her body as close to mine as humanly possible, and held on for dear life, one of my hands holding the small of her back to me while the other buried itself in her soft hair. And suddenly, I started to also silently cry, as I repeated those words she had said to me over and over to her, in a never-ending cycle. I had never cried in my life, never...but now I was, now hot tears were streaking down my face in buckets as I held her close, but I didn't care, all I cared about was that she was here, that she was with me like this. She continued to also cry, tightening her grip around me as well. This...it was something both of us had wanted, no, had needed, for years. And now we had it. We would most likely just stay here, embracing for all of the night. And anything that happened after this, anything that transpired...it wouldn't matter, because we had this, we had each other.

And neither of us was letting go ever again.

END

How did you like it? And before you ask, yes, I did toy with the idea of making it end super angsty, like it really being a dream and him waking up or something really sad like that...but I would never be able to look at myself again if I did that. I really hate angst too, and even just the idea of something one-sided makes me want to puke. I don't own Bleach, Tite Kubo does, and I love and appreciate any and all opinions!


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